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Buzz Williams to wear dirty rags for remainder of Maryland Terrapins Men’s Basketball season

Article by: Adrian Benitez Maryland Men’s Basketball coach, Buzz Williams, has announced that he’ll be wearing soiled rags for all of Maryland’s remaining games this season in a Wednesday press conference. The change comes after a 2–10 start to Big Ten play for the team. Despite this year’s Terps basketball squad carrying on a years-long […]

Testudo website to require ID-based age verification

Article by: Avi Gupta It’s no secret that most bars around the University of Maryland require some form of identification to get in. And while going to these bars is seen as taboo by the UMD administration, their methods of age verification are certainly praised — and now, are taking effect within UMD’s main student […]

DOTS fines to double, citing lack of cars to ticket during winter storm

Article by: Matthew Gray The start of the spring semester has been a return to form for the University of Maryland. We’ve had syllabus issues, traffic jams, eduroam failure, and this time, snow! We all loved the week off. After all, who doesn’t want to spend two hours in the Looney’s line? Or, for seniors, […]

Groundbreaking discovery reveals ‘root of all evil’ is UMD lecture hall

Article by: Noah Studie COLLEGE PARK — A recent study published by the Global Institution for Evil Prevention (GIEP) proved a shocking result: All of the world’s evil stems from a single point on the University of Maryland, College Park campus. The study was led by Dr. Eric McSmart, the director of evil studies at […]

Terrapins Ice Hockey games reach record attendance; fans left wondering ‘when do they kiss?’

Article by: Zachary Robinson The buzz around television sensation Heated Rivalry hasn’t spared the University of Maryland, with students’ demand for hockey-related content reaching an all-time high. Since the show’s premiere, the Maryland Terrapins Ice Hockey games have been flooded by girls and gays alike, reaching levels of attendance far surpassing even the most irrelevant […]

Confluence of Mardi Gras, Ramadan, and Lunar New Year crowds cause the Y to close its doors

Article by: Trent Bowman YAHENTAMITSI DINING HALL — In a rare cross-cultural holiday alignment, larger than predicted crowds let the good times roll on February 17 by stuffing themselves with an assortment of Cajun offerings at the University of Maryland’s premier dining establishment. However, after many bumped elbows and spilled drinks, the “Y” has been […]

UMD uses TerpAI to reject all early-action applicants

Article by: Nishna Makala The University of Maryland announced this morning that it used its new proprietary system, TerpAI, to reject every single early action applicant for the Class of 2030. In a move that school officials call “innovative,” “technologically-savvy,” and “probably not illegal,” the university has made history as the first school to achieve […]

UMPD busts massive Coke smuggling ring

Article by: Max Khatchadourian Late last Friday night, UMPD conducted a raid on the Kappa Psi Sigma frat house, revealing a Coca-Cola smuggling operation the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the Coke mafia of ‘09. Over fifty students are now in police custody and officers will begin conducting a sweep of residence halls […]

Another open letter to those looking for a McKeldin sex carrel on Valentine’s Day: Try Hornbake instead

Article by: Drew Peacock Last year, I took to this very platform to address a growing crisis of the McKeldin sex carrels — I mean, “study carrels” — for trivial activities like “studying.” It seems that my last article made a real impact. As February 14th approaches, I’ve seen more love in the air, and […]

Heartbreaking: Worst guy you know has a Valentine

Article by: Nikola Litten COLLEGE PARK — This Saturday is Valentine’s Day. Love is in the frigid air, restaurant reservations are impossible to find, and people are finding their dream partners in the bowels of Kirwin Hall. Cupid is striking young couples with his bow — raising ethical concerns about the nature of divine intervention […]